restless nights

Even when i know nobody reads this, unless they are forced too, i'd like to think that people do see this.

On 24th march i'd completed a task that i gave myself.

It all started with me using orkut too much, so i vowed not to use it for a month. the first week was the hardest i didnt know what to do with myself. When I passed the milestone i thought why not another month and so a whole year went by. now a days i dont even remember why i was hooked on it.

But what i know is that the same thing is happening on Facebook and i didnt like, atleast i wasnt in denial. so here i am with another vow to stay away from FB for forty days!

when i used to excess it about average 10 times a day. so its been five days and i got restless with the extra time that i had on my hands.

thats when i decided to write atleast one article per day about something that really matters to me.

i hope anyone who reads them finds an emotion they can share with me.

that makes it 35 articles till 4th may!

Blood and gore

Red blood red

was her favorite color

scream scared scream

was her favorite sound

she’d start at the

big toe’s nail,

pull it out with a plier

wait for it to feel the pain

and scream itself hoarse

then move to the other

all the while

the blood flowed

all those brittle bones

small ones in those

bleeding toes

big ones all over the body

206 of’em waiting

just for her to

smash’em to pulp

and this was just the beginning

the soul wished he’d

never been born

she opened him up

as if he was a bean bag

with a zipper

lots of zipper’s

from wrists to shoulders

from ankle to hips

the flesh parted

above the rib cage

just like the curtains

on a stage show

for her

the iron and salt

smell of blood drifted

up from the floor

making her dizzy

the sight of blood

a heady intoxication

the world spinning

as she looked into

the souls eyes

and plunged the knife

in his still beating heart

while I stood there waiting,

watching and wishing

I was her.

“ The first time he saw her, she lay sprawled on the floor, unconscious. Due to colic or food poisoning I don’t remember now but no one seemed to be doing anything. They had to take her to 3rd floor without a lift.
He did the first thing that came to his mind. Carried her upstairs, in spite of her gawking teachers!
That’s was when they both attended a youth hostel camp in Porbandar”
He’d sit by her side till she got better. They didn’t talk. He sat reading books. She talked away through her time with friends.
Then like a real polite lady, told him to visit her if ever he was in her city…..
and then forgot about him.

Some time in the same year she came home to find her frantic sister raving about some druggie barraging in their home. Her sister had opened the door to find a real scruffy looking bloke asking for her!

She found him sitting on the steps to the terrace, smoking away a cigarette.
Curly hair, big specks, faded jeans, frayed shirt and all.

And then she never forgot him!”

He went home. They each wrote the other letters. Lots and lots of letters.
She’s paint him pictures and he’d draw her pictures.

There was one time when neither her mother nor her sister could wake him up, he slept 36 hours non stop. They thought he had died. Both were gonna call the police. But all he said when he woke up was- “ I slept late because I was reading a book!”

He got admission in Saurashtra University for his PG to be near her.
She left her job to go live with him.

She thought was a south Indian because of his dark looks n tendency to write a single initial as surname, until he took her to meet his mother.

Nanuji says one day he even brought my dad a ticket home and told him to go.
Now if you ask him my dad says “ I must have been insane when I didn’t take that ticket!”
My mom always replies-“ I could give you one now!”
He’d just look sheepish and smile.

That’s my pitashri and maa for you in short.
This is for them and all the good times they gave us. And all the good time they had before us :p
Happy 22nd anniversary to both of you.

May I be as lucky as you guy’s.



with all my love even if seem an ungrateful child sometime.
where seem and sometime are the key words!

the door

"i left her door and thought as though

she would call me back, not let me go;

my heavy steps so paced as though

she would call me back not let me go;

the wind so billowed through as though

she would hold my garb, not let me go;

She neither stopped, nor wished i stay;

nor gave a call, nor held my way;

nor clenched my garb, nor had any say;

i kept on faring slowly forward

till i separated from her...."

yeah thats how i felt when he wouldn't give me a reasonable answer!

Belonging

17th feb
6.30

the day i realized that i most probably never will....

"I woke up to find my self
Sprawled on the wet grass
Facing the bright blue
Beauteous sky,
Without a cloud marring
Its pristine surface
A bird chirped near by
Bee’s hummed and red hued
Leaves floated above my head
It was picture perfect.

I’d always known that the
World revolved on the correct axis
As it was supposed to be!
But was I supposed to be
As I was?
I am always to be
A big bad black hole?
Always wanting to be filled
But never satisfied?
Was I supposed to always absorb
Everything that came my way
Even if it harmed me?
Was I supposed to always absorb
Without wanting ever to be
Able to fill something?
Wasn’t I supposed to
Belong somewhere?
Someplace?
To someone?
Was the world always
Going to go by me
Never touching me?
Was it right that I be black
And the world a bright colour?
I stopped short my musing’s
As a bee stung me.

AND

I woke up to find my self
Sprawled on the wet grass
Facing the bright blue
Beauteous sky,
Without a cloud marring
Its pristine surface
A bird chirped near by
Bee’s hummed and red hued
Leaves floated above my head
It was still picture perfect."

Salt in the tears.

29th jan

11:58 pm

she stood poised like

a porcelain statue

even the dark clouds

gathered to rage

as if somehow

conducting her emotions

the wind tore through the place

cold fingers slapping away

just as she started

to open her mouth

the dog at her feet wailed

a mournful sound

her dark eyes swam

in a pool full of tears,

blinding her for

few precious seconds.

as her long lash's

swept down

a fat droplet fell

on her cheek

thinking it was

starting to rain

her hand moved

to flick it away

maybe it was the

glint of light

maybe it was a memory

that made her stop and reconsider.

she faltered

licked her dry lips

brought her tongue out

and tasted the salt

clinging on her fingertips.

she remembered his voice

"when someone tears ur heart out,

they put tears in ur eye's instead!"

how the salt in her tears mocked him.

noone saw her sad smile

noone saw her sob out

noone saw her pain

just as no one saw

the light that followed her

still she stood poised

like a porcelain statue

about to shatter

above her beloved's grave.

FEAR

26th jan

10:50 pm

Most people fear

One thing or another

Most are scared of

Either dark or darker

Some even are

Afraid of water

How that can be

As it is light too.

You are born in it

(Although) you can die it too

It can be as placid as a calm lake

Or it can be the raging sea

Almost all are afraid

Of frightening things

Height, depth

Insects, speed!

But some love what

Most live in fear of.

And are scared out of

Their wits of “ normal” things!

Living, caring

Loving, life!

They are afraid

Of forging bonds

Some fear their

Own homes.

Some even live

Fearing themselves.

Most are scared that they

don’t have a mind.

Some are scared

of their own mind

Most fear that

Adrenalin jolt

Some live only

For that rush

Most are in

Quest of love

Some run

Away from it

I love the light, But

I chose to live in dark.

Always thought

I belonged there.

what does that

tell about me?

Am I like the psychopath

That calls it self God?