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I was born on 13^th September 1989

It has been twenty years that I have been alive…. Although I’ve got nothing special to show for it.

I have lived 20 times that this earth revolved around the sun, since that fateful morning.

I don’t know what throw of dice put my soul into that girls body.

But today I feel like that the girl is me and that I am the girl.

People in the family named me after an ancient philosopher who questioned everything around her, even the origin of things!

Was it meant to be that I was to be named gargi or ami curious as to the purpose of life just because I was named gargi?

Would my whole life be completely different if I was named something other than gargi…. Like what would I be like if I had been named…umm let me think….. aatrika? Or something like that.

Why was I born on 13^th sep why not 20^th feb?

Why was born my fathers daughter not someone else’s?

Why wasn’t I given a choice when and where I wanted to be born?

Why wasn’t I allowed to choose what my life could have been like?

Why hadn’t someone told me that there’s a catch to this life…. A big catch like dieing?

each second after we are born, we work our ass off so that we can survive in this big bad world...just to be able to LIVE! Though we know that ultimately each n every one of us ( even to the stinking king of the bacterial colony residing in my brothers toe nail) is gonna perish, die, sleep forever.
Its as if you are compelled to read a book(thriller) whose end you already know!
My Question being isn't it the right of the reader not to read the book, if he doesn't want to?
Shouldn't it be the right of the person living not to live his life to the end that awaits him?
Y wouldn't one want to die as soon as they are born when they know they'll eventually die.

What if I hadn’t wanted to be born?

If it’s supposed to be me born on 13^th sep 89 at 10.37 am…… if its all written out.

Whats the point of me living it… why don’t they (who ever they are!) tell me the epilogue to my story !

But what if its not, so in that case why was I born?

Whats the purpose of my life?

I must have been brought into existence for some purpose, to do a particular work!

How do I know what I was born to do? What if I don’t know and I am not able to knit my part of thread into the tapestry of life?

What if all this is great joke some super advanced genetic engineer played on me?

He could have made me as an experiment…. And fed a software into my brain about this universe? People all around me could be just figment of my imagination.

He could make me a clone and I wouldn’t even know the difference between us.

Is she me or am I her?

Who is who?

Do I have the soul or does she?

Does a thing called soul even exist? Where does it come from?

Did the engineer randomly flip through his available stock and fit me with one or is it nothing remotely like that?

Is the script of my life already written… if so who’s the director?

Or do I write it?

If I am to write it why do write it?

What is the purpose of me being alive?

What’s alive anyway? Who defines life and being alive?

If you asked me I’d tell you I am alive I breath, a perform a purpose, I ensure that a part of me still lives in the form of a child when I am no longer alive.

If you asked a rock the same question he’d tell you that he was alive too!

He is born from a larger rock, he does his function for a period of time, then he no longer is a rock. It gives birth to the soil!

If the rock is alive then aren’t I alive?

What does death mean anyway?... that you completed a life cycle?

…. That you aren’t alive anymore?

So what do you call a virus? Its never always alive never always dead.

Its none. Its both.

Well who do you think believes the truth, or they both do?

What if none of us knows the truth?

When you learn the truth about life, its as if you are a changed person altogether.

Your priorities change, your mindset changes. The aim and goal of your life would never be the same again.

Its a hard thing to know, and only a few do! That's why it becomes such a big responsibility that you treat this truth well. Because "The truth is a beautiful and terrible thing! and should therefore be treated with great caution!"When i learned this what i felt, was thus written.

As I stop writing this the question that remain in my mind is this.

What am I finally?

No one?

Anyone?

Someone?

Which one?

Who am I?

- Gargi

Episodes in my life part I

well to start this off all i can say the most fascinating person i find in this whole world is ME!

if u think thats a bit self-centered... then u dont know me!

i am NOT a bit self-centered i am wholly self-centered.

what i suffer from is called Narcissistic personality disorder!

well not really

its what i think... but no one else... hahaha!

so this series is about me...

what i like

what i love

what i think

what i dont like

what i hate

what i was like

what i was never like!

in short me me me mee & more me!

today i was reminded a COOL incident.... when i was 8 n half months old i spoke my first word!..

just like in the Ad where the kid says Czechoslovakia!..

Dad had just told maa its raining...

and i said " PAPA BARISH(rain)!!!

and i so do love when it rains. all good things happen when it rains! well it does make me i little LUNATIC though.

just like a full moon does.

A Dream is...

Dream is warm blanket on a winter morn…

Dream is feeling…

Dream is steam rising from a cup of coffee…

Dream is being understood…

Dream is a smile from a total stranger…

Dream is skydiving…

Dream is fusion of wildflowers on the street…

Dream is a need for peace…

Dream is the waning sun on a beach…

Dream is a surprise gift…

Dream is a rainbow on a bad luck day…

Dream is freedom…

Dream is appreciation of a well cooked meal…

Dream is the forbidden thrill…

Dream is being 100…

Dream is an outlet to uncontrolled rage…

Dream is candlelight…

Dream is my finger griped by an infant…

Dream is a quest for the love…

Dream is the matching pair of earring…

Dream is laughing…

Dream is a hot soak after a hectic day…

Dream is a personal library…

Dream is Earth’s aroma after a slight drizzle…

Dream is a need for peace…

Dream is knowing how to drive a car…

Dream is owning a house...

Dream is rising sun from a mountain top…

Dream is a song that make’s me cry…

Dream is a letter in the post…

Dream is midnight snow…

Dream is stomach aching laugh…

Dream is a nasty fight with my best friend…

Dream is taking a stand…

Dream is the jangling of glass bangles…

Dream is leaving a mark…

Dream is dewdrops on grass…

Dream is popcorn in theater…

Dream is Indian forest service…

Dream is watching stars come out…

Dream is getting a book for gift…

Dream is studying 12 hours nonstop…

Dream is satisfaction…

Dream is friends who don’t use & throw me…

Dream is unflinching loyalty…

Dream is being able to write what I feel…

Dream is going to seven sisters…

Dream is a hand made card…

Dream is a kiss on head…

Dream is an A one camera…

Dream is the smell of Johnson’s baby powder…

Dream is a close circle of friends…

Dream is speaking truth no matter what…

Dream is the perfect picture taken…

Dream is writing what I think…

Dream is thinking my heart’s desire…

Dream is my very own mistake…

Dream is talking the whole night with my dad…

Dream is intuition…

Dream is the signing of non-nuclear treaty with my brother…

Dream is being cared for…

Dream is my mom’s unwavering support…

Dream is a vacation…

Dream is snuggling with my dadi…

Dream is being loved no matter what…

Dream is doing what I love…

Dream is being someone’s first & last thought…

Dream is independence…

Dream is finding that perfect partner…

Dream is thunderstorm…

Dream is a walk through the forest…

Dream is wanting…

Dream is being someone’s whole world…

Dream is the difference between lust and love…

Dream is cloud watching…

Dream is a laboriously made sketch…

Dream is dreaming…

Dream for me is a,

Blue colored butterfly

That flutters by in my mind…

Dream is…

Dream IS me!

My Dreams

Bring me all of your dreams,
You dreamer,
Bring me all your
Heart melodies
That I may wrap them
In a blue cloud-cloth
Away from the too-rough fingers
Of the world.

In the world I live, weaving dreams, envisioning your future even general wool gathering is an punishable offence.

No wonder I am punished so often!

I’ve had to hide my dreams (mundane every day sort too) from these people, who’d scoff or at the least laugh on my dreams.

Still I dare to dream!

When you steal something you know you have to pay back some way….

I still steal myself a handful of happiness, knowing that I’ll have to pay it back some way or the other.

Until a couple or years back I was afraid of laughing…. Never knowing when you’d have to cry. Now when I laugh I am afraid of paying for it.

So people who don’t want me to be happy or those cant see me happy, are so not welcome in my world!

Because there are already so many people here with their idea for my happiness, that they forget I am a human too. Not a robot that they can think for me, that they can weave dreams for me.

Its some thing that I am entitled to do.

Some people on one hand count me as an adult, able to take on responsibilities, but on other hand consider me unable to take decisions for my self, that I am entitled to make.

What if it’s a mistake, then it’ll be my mistake.

Oh I so want to break away from this limbo that I am in…..

Happiness is a costly dream! This I now know.

a series of poems that i wrote on my dreams......... continued.

The way You Are!

The way you move in your sleep

the way you look before you leap

the strange illusions that you keep

when u dont know that i'm noticing!

They way you talk to people you love

the way you stand out even in an crowded alcove

the way u smile your secret smile

when you dont know that i'm noticing!

The way you treasure whats my own

the way you always feel before dawn

the dreams you weave in your mind

when you dont know that i'm noticing!

The way your face shines in the candlelight

the way your eye's twinkle in night

the way your dimple winks at me

when you dont know that i'm noticing!

The way i like you look at me

the way i love what you feel for me

the way, just the way you are

when you dont know that i'm noticing!

The" X" chromosome

It all started with me bringing home some articles I bought in an exhibition, on my way home!

What happened was this, as I entered the threshold to my room, a gruff voice asked me-“ whats all this? Don’t you have better sense than to splurge my hard earned money?

Anyway does these things even have a use? I know those things wont see the light of day till next year, when you bring more things to stash in that vault of yours...."

FYI that’s my DAD….

As it happens I bought a pair of flashy pretty pink envelops and a wooden box with cute little flowers on the top! Usually I dont a splurge , I AM frugal! They were only 40 and 70 bucks respectively.

I don’t spend money unwisely but a couple of times in a year that wise part of my head goes out to graze…

So I told Dad-“ Those are my spare X chromosomes fault!”

I mean whats a girl to do if its in her genes…….

Actually the women of PLEISTOCENE EPOCH, early human evolution are responsible for my predicament.

Don’t scoff! I am telling you they are responsible………

Lets see why?

As you may know a guys has one X and one Y chromosome, on the other hand We “the reason that this species is ensured it can see its next generation” have two of those X chromosome.

So between three X and a Y Chr…. Y’s the odd one out! Yes sire they are the oddity in life!

Any self respecting biology student knows that the male of this species evolved after the females did…. Read the parthenogenesis theory!

To get back to the topic at hand Homo sapiens culturally evolved from Cro-Magnon.

Not Neanderthal’s as is generally assumed, though guys are worse than them!

I keep getting side tracked bitching about guys.

About a couple of million’s of year ago I would be sitting in a cave,

While the y chromosome would be out on a testosterone high.

Doing God know(literally & figuratively) what! More to the point he’d be out ensuring that his counterpart had food in her belly so that they could survive! Which they do still(and I appreciate it)…they just don’t take into account that we cant do that easily enough today.

On the other hand I would be roaming around making sure that the living space was as comfortable as possible. I’d search out side for things to make the space around us better to live. I’d collect and hoard some pretty things. I’d barter and haggle over the best that I could possibly afford. To make that cave a home.

Which ultimately is why the Y Chr ( as I like to call them ) chose to live with us, because we take a place and make it HOME. We ensure that they can live peacefully to see there lineage go on.

Otherwise they still be living in a cave.

The fact that each and every one of us has a part from the last common known ancestor known as LUCY ( did u notice it’s a female) and suppose it was me sitting in a cave ,

I’d have the same urges to collect and hoard those pretty useless things as my DAD(aka Y Chr.) called them.

If even once every 10 years your intel goes out to graze leaving your gene’s in charge

You can still call it your heritage!

And damn the Y Chr their view’s, they can take it or leave it.

Even grumbling they always take it, what other option do they have?

Yours-

XX

Crying!

Yesterday, I cried my self to sleep!

I guess I was just feeling lonely…..

Crying is a weakness I generally wouldn’t wanna confess about.

But if you know me even a little then you’d know; if I don’t wanna talk about something

I usually end up writing about it! I pretty much always do.

There are times when I cry my heart out!

The whole works, blood spilling n all!

No one can claim to have seen such a sight and live to tell.

The reason for these spells as like to call them is always SELFPITY!

And these bouts are without fail always behind the closed doors of my shower( with it running).

Those are the times I feel hallow inside as if nothings gonna get better.

After all this happens… for example, me vowing to change my life drastically, hating someone I wanna kill them , all the while that degrading self pity and loathing…..

What amuses me most is that I go to sleep as if a sleep deprived child!

And when I wake up all this decisions are in the back of my mind somewhere…

I am back to the exact same pitiable self that I was just before crying!

Other times I deliberately try to cry!

Don’t think bad of my, these are very (very) rare.

And I tell you that I can count these episodes on the fingers( don’t count the thumb)

of one hand!

They always leave me guilty as if I’ve snatched a lollipop out of a child’s hand.

The last one I remember was when I asked my dad to drop me to my tuition. And after going 10 km out of his way to drop me he wouldn’t go on another signal!

Let me tell you a secret…” I am absolutely and bone tremblingly terrified of crossing huge “ CHAURAHA’s”. I have to have my hands held secure in someone else’s to cross it. Then too I tend to freeze smack in the middle of the road!

Don’t laugh…. I CAN handle small one’s though.

You wouldn’t believe how I much I willed those tears to come out that day, and at that instance.

When they did and he took me upto the steps I was happy.

Then I was guilty that I was happy. So I cried some more(rally this time) thinking how pathetic I am!

The most I am afraid about are the times when it sneaks up on me!

I mean I there is no reason for me to cry….so when the urge to do so comes out of no where, it leaves me with my mind on everything other than the thing its supposed to be on.

I waste my time in figuring out the reason why I cried!

And most often than not I come up blank. As if I hallucinated my self crying!

Today it was coz of a song I heard on the radio!

I was humming it along and the next thing I know I was creating a full blown ruckus…

My brother standing not too far away saw this and became so flustered he forgot that I am not an alien and talked to me and actually soothed me!

Behold the miracle! Hehehe

Well what would you expect out of a mouse when he see’s a wildcat crying for a hurt squirrel!

He expects me to be stark raving mad and spitting angry everytime I talk to him.

Wouldn’t know what happened if I talked politely!

So to get back on the topic at hand… I find these bastard getting past my defenses these days.

And I don’t like it one bit.

There was a time when i usually cried myself to sleep every night.

I hated it!

And I hate it more than THAT!

I don’t know what to do, I am my wits end!

What can you do if an empty park makes you cry or if you see a bird soar, you wanna cry?

What can you do if a bright color makes you cry or if you see starved muscle’s rippling on a workers back when he talks to a man who( is bald) has a belly and cant digest half the food he eats, and throws out the other half!

What can you do?

P.S.- I don’t like people who cry, I guess its because I cant handle them myself!

I am sorry!

Millions of years ago, some super power, some force or God or Nature or whatever it

is, began it's work; Stars started burning, Galaxies started

forming and solar systems set themselves up. And among all these stars and their

planets, Earth was picked up and decorated over another million

years with animals of all shapes and sizes, and plants and all sorts of things. It had

interesting types of soils and sands and rock formations. It had

water; as water, as steam and as ice. It had sandy, golden beaches and thick, lush

forests and breathtakingly beautiful snow covered peaks and

heartstoppingly vast deserts. A mad, wild wind roared over the oceans and ran

abandoned through the forests often caressing his beloved Earth with

a gentle, loving breeze. The waves loved the land; through the endless tranquil beaches

and the rough, angry cliffs, and the land loved it back,

promising to be with it forever. The birds sang the Sun to sleep every evening as He

settled in his bed of waves and then again, woke him every

morning too. The moon kept company through the night, least the darkness got scary

and the stars arranged themselves into pictures so the

dreams could be good. And it was a gorgeous, beautiful world.

And then, like two parents would place their first new born in a crib for the first time,

in a room they've spent months in preparing for their baby,

Man was gently placed in this crib. He got love and affection and so many things to

hold his attention for years at end. But that is where

everything started to go wrong.... Man grew up and grew so much, that he forgot

himself...

I look around me today... and what I see, makes me cry....

Hatred, fear, blood......

Not only has man killed other life forms, but is also killing his own people! And for

what? Because someone's skin colour is not like his; someone

doesn't call God by the same name as he does; or just for a little more land to make a

few more buildings, or a little more money...

Infanticide! Dowry deaths! Murders! Rapes! Crusades! Wars! Terrorism! Preventive

measures to stop terrorism!

Each minute, another head falls off as humanity inches away from mankind.

Hundreds, Thousands, Lakhs and now Millions... and the toll is only

rising... What is happening? I ask myself... Where are we going? Is there no way to

stop this wheel of destruction? Why doesn't a tear moisten

one's eye when he thinks of being inhuman to anyone... or anything for that matter? so

much hatred, it is only pushing more people over the edge

to become the monsters they were not supposed to be...

Why is everyone now a Hindu or a Muslim or a Christian, or a Pakistani or an

American or an Iraqi, or a Black or a White or a Chinki, or a Man

or a Woman, or a Capitalist or a Marxist?

Why??

Whatever happened to being a 'Human Being'?

And a ringing silence meets my plea for an answer...

And somewhere, deep within me, I realize that the end is near. I don't know if it will be

a Nuclear war or an ice age or a solar expansion that will

end the world as we know it or if the earth will churn to extinguish everything and start

new again. I don't know if it will be tomorrow or after

another thousand years. All I know is that the end is near. Like someone with a fatal

disease, I know there is a very slim chance out.... VERY slim.

And in this moment of realization, I think of all the damage that my kind have done;

there are more blood stains on this planet than trees. So

many species have vanished. So many souls have been troubled...

and like a man atoning for his sins, I fall to my knees, join my hands, close my eyes

and bow my head... and I think of all those spirits which have

been hurt or broken throughout these centuries blotched by human errors... and very

sincerely, from the core of my being I say to them.....

I'm Sorry.......