She made me look back, twice, her smile was that bright and
her laughter that joyful. She was by no means a conventional beauty; even then
I don’t have enough words to describe her sheer radiance. Happiness and hope
shined through every pore of her body.
I think we were in the same decade of our lives. Inside I
was much older. At that instant I felt so many things it took me days to
separate and understand and I am ashamed to say I wasn’t proud of most of them.
Days later I wasn’t sure if I could justify being jealous, green with envy, mad
as hell and sure enough to be happy that it wouldn’t last. I wondered what she
had to be so happy about.
It wasn’t one incidence that made me this grumpy and sour.
Seeing across the veil, becoming disenchanted and disillusioned early in life
may be. Living in this harsh world without the shield of hope, joy and the
illusion covering up that truth is very difficult. I was bitter to no end. It
was as if I was a black hole. Sadly the miracle of that smile, the joy and the
hope registered with me as much as an LED does in a dark room.
A few years later I saw her around again, surprised that she
was still the same. In the ensuing years I had grown up a bit and stopped
having pity parties so I said hello, even mustering up a smile. She was a
little shocked but polite enough to return and old man’s greeting. After that
we met every day in the park. By this time in my life I could recognize a good
thing when I saw one. A couple of hello’s daily and I would be sitting their
soaking up her light. I found out that she was here for a month on a vacation.
That month I learned the biggest mistake made in my life.
Eventually between smiles it came out that she hadn’t led a privileged life.
Her’s was a sadder and more horrible tale than mine. The only difference
between us being I distanced and alienated the people who loved me and ignored
those who I loved, she didn’t. Unfortunately it was too little too late for me.
