Anchor ; maa this ones for you!

my fingers shook
from the cold
or my feelings
i don't know

i sat on the steps
of the ancient ruin
and thought of the
where i had reached

as the wind blew
i felt my self drifting
off from the reality
of this life

i sailed by like a
deserted ship does
without destination
and its crew

my anchor missing
in the haste the crew left
i was left all alone on the deck
travelling to oblivion

then i remembered
this one face in many
that was ever present
in my ruin of a life

with tear filled eyes
i thought of all the times
i never thought of her
as the true anchor

i came back to reality
on the steps of a
cozy home and
fresh backed pie

with my arms loaded
with flowers and
eyes filled with love
for her. my Anchor

Odd Times

I think of him at odd times….

Then wonder if he does too!

When lyrics of a song reaches my ear

I wonder if he remembers my voice!

When a guy passes by eyeing me

I wonder if he remembers what I looked like!

When on a starry night at the terrace

I wonder if he ever wishes me goodnight.

When it rains and I walk through the streets

I wonder if he’d ever think of holding my hand like now.

When I spend a sleepless night staring at nothing

I wonder if he ever does too

When for a second if I ever mistake someone for him

I wonder if he ever confuses me with anyone else

When I sit at dawn contemplating if we have a future

I wonder if he even wants one.

When I am with a circle of friends

I wonder if he ever misses me in his.

When I see a full moon in the sky

I wonder if he thinks that we both do at the same time.

When his laugh gets stuck in my head sometimes

I wonder if I get stuck in his head too

When I look at our old photographs

I wonder if he also goes through’em sometimes.

When I cry and curse him

I wonder if he still gets angry at me

When I get a split second glimpse in the mirror

I wonder if he’ll ever see me in his

When I close my eyes and see his staring at me

I wonder if he remember the colour of my eyes

When I laugh out with joy

I wonder if only he could see me.

When I whisper in the wind “ I LOVE YOU!”

I wonder if he ever replies.

When I shout out “ you are the one!”

I wonder if he ever shouts back.

When I think of him at odd times

I wonder if he realises, he left me for someone else!

heart in hand

Distressed I searched every

Nook and cranny,

Couldn’t I find

It anywhere.

Hello? Please will you

Help me find it?

He asked me

What should I look for?

I replied its small and soft

Warm and wet with blood

It beats with my life

Its my heart!

I asked him again

Please will you help

Me find my heart

I think I just lost it!

He questioned

Could someone have

Stolen it?

Absurd as that question was.

My heart was guarded

Too fiercely to steal

I must have lost it

On my way to the future.

Seeing my distress

He searched every

Nook and cranny

Couldnt he find it anywhere!

Each time I met him

On my way to the future

I hopefully asked him

To look for my lost heart

On fine day , he joined

Me on my way to the future

With a charred and blackened

Blood dried and cold

Still piece of heart

With barely a pulse of life

In his hand!

And in a bewildered voice

He asked me….

Why didn’t you tell

Me where it was?

I didn’t think of looking

For it in my hand

Never thought that

You’ll lose it to me!

And with the last beat

Of my heart I said

It was for you to find out

Even I didn’t know

I’d lost my heart to you!

untitled

the day is upon me, the day when its do or die. well atleast get admission in the university or not.

the day that will decide the course of my life. where i live with whom i live and what not.

I am scared! terrifyingly so.

i've got butterfly's in my stomach and acid burn too.

how am i going to sleep.

i cant talk to anyone. because i dont talk to anyone.

i've cut out myself from everyone :(

sometimes i think i care too much.

whom can i tell that i am scared?

my dad? he'll just tell me its natural to feel so.

my mom? she'll just start worrying and grilling me questions. on top of that she'll fuss.

my brother? he wont understand y i am scared in the first place.

i havent cried in a while, i feel all the emotion that i keep buried rise up. it'll gush out at a completely unexpected time . i want to cry now....

what i need is some one who'll listen to me when i tell them i am SCARED. then let me sit in there lap and cry my heart out.someone who'll sooth me. someone who'll rock me to sleep.

what will happen is, i get up go do some work not talk to neone. do some more worrying , not talk to neone. thats how is always goes. i not talk to neone.

i have these whole conversation in my head but cant speak a single word to people i wanna have a conversation with.

so let me go not talk to neone. and not talk to neone!

More to it than....

Knowledge itself is power, but as I’ve always known, theirs more to it than books.

When you go to school for the first time most of the kids already have a germinated seed of knowledge in them. But the school is like a dictionary, that’s helps you read the book of wisdom, its not The Book of wisdom.

Your life is the book of wisdom, important events in your life its chapter, you its main character. Your parents merlin to your Arthur, dronacharya to your Arjun.

Majority of the people in this world don’t understand this. They think that the book is the same for everyone. Its more like a maze with millions and millions of permutation and combination of options and opportunity on page one, the course of the story of your life depends on the choices you make on each page, which leads you to another completely different page with more choices!

Personally I’ve never liked the dictionary in my entire 21 yeared life! But that’s because I am good at interpretation of an new unknown word. What I do is read the whole sentence again and think how does this word fit in the sentence and not the other way round i.e. I don’t jump to the dictionary and look up the meaning that’s generally perceived.

And it works for me because sometimes the meaning that the dictionary gives does not fit. You have to find your own meaning.

That is knowledge , its not knowing the dictionary by heart, its knowing your heart in the dictionary!

I am not saying that schooling is essentially bad or waste of time but its like knowing you’re A B C’s without knowing 1 2 3’s. its somehow incomplete!

We all know the Einstein and Warren Buffet’s of this world did not conform to the schooling of this world but they did shine through the darkness because they believed in interpreting there own book of wisdom.

Even when half the world thought him mad in the beginning Copernicus never doubted that the earth revolved around the sun.

What everyone need to know is that inspite of a having a slight disadvantage of never having a complete dictionary for themselves these people used the system of education to there advantage.

They never let the system work them but made it work for them. There is a slight difference.

These people never followed the path of the turbulent river nor did they row upstream. What they did was distinguished themselves into small tributaries which are essential to the river but are different from it.

A book would tell you how a computer works but it wont tell you that its necessary to pay the electricity bill for it to work!

A dictionary would tell you that death means the end but it wont tell you it also means regeneration or a new life.

On the other hand if you are the worlds most intelligent person and you sit at home never letting people know what you can do for this world for them you are a nobody!

So…. “knowledge may give you weight but accomplishments give luster because many more people see than weigh.”

On this piece of wisdom from my personal book go be a tributary not the river.

Ciao

Shikanji VS Ice-Tea

For all those ignorant snob out there, a shikanji is a khatta meetha nimboo-pani.

Sometimes if you are lucky its got jal jeera in it too! And let me tell you it tastes absolutely heavenly when you have been running around the town doing countless things and you don’t even have any time for a quick bite.

Generally it can be found under a tree shade or a small decrypt gully on a thela.

Bhaiya, the vendor keeps a earthen-ware, ghada, filled with ice cool water without ice(and its harmful effects).

Invariably people who drink it are down to earth, street smart and money smart too.

They don’t pay outrageous sum of money to buy water in designer bottles, when they can get it for free from they tap. Its not about money for these people, just the funda .

Why should they pay for designer water when tap water is perfectly fine, sometimes even better than bottled water. Most of the bottled water is just refined filter water that tastes yuk! What with all the minerals gone out of them.

These people are perfectly content to eat 5Rs wada pav on the corner shop or the local station, than spend absurd amount of money in Mc Donald's to eat a burger that’s not even tasty! (Actually whats with the Mc Donald people don’t they know that this is India, you’ve got to put some salt and spice in that thing and cook it. We aren’t at cro magnon stage any more that we eat raw uncooked no spiced food. Sheesh.)

They do this not because they cant afford it but because they’d rather spend there hard earned money for better use than Mc Donald's.

These people do not go to the new “in” bistro to have a tinsy weensy cup of coffee for outrageous amounts of green cash, sit politely on the soft couch and talk non sense on non sense topics. Like how much does a car cost! Mahn a vehicle is a vehicle it takes you from point A to point B. Its eggactly like those duffer Americans inventing a million dollar pen to use in space when a pencil would have done. Duh!

No wonder they love shikanji.

Now for all those nose on the grind stone people ( hey! hey! hey! don’t take offense, I am on your side.)that get tired of the HI-FY’s flashing there platinum (plastic) cards walking past them.

Ice-Tea is a concussion of green tea in water with a dash of honey and lime. It comes in all size’s and flavors, varying from blackcurrant to strawberry.

Personally I can understand why in the world would someone want to drink strawberry flavored “chai”. Maybe its just me.

Oh yeah I forgot to tell you an important warning- ice tea often contains a tannin a diuretic! The good news is the places where you find Ice-Tea usually have these state of art ( why would anyone need art in a bathroom is beyond the capabilities of my mind) bathroom.

People usually frequenting places like barista and CCD are the rich kids. Bratz is more like it. Yup I called them bratz. With good reason because they sit there in their 800 rs tee’s n 1000 rs jeans with an apple i-pod and a qwerty pad mobile, drinking a 100 ml of bitter tasting thing for which they pay hundreds of rupees!

Oh the waste.

Whats pathetic is that not a single rupee from that 1900Rs ensemble draped on a worthless hide is their. nope they’ve never even lifted a single finger in there life for a single coin.

Wanna know something more hilarious, these kids body system go haywire if they even drink tap water by mistake. BAM! And they are sick. Such shitty immune system.

Oh no no no. but they still want the perfectly purified bottled water. Just a bunch of psychotics I tell ya.

If you put even one of this bratz on the road and tell them to go home with less than 50 rs in there pocket. I bet that they’ll hyperventilate at the though of riding the local bus with the lowly common people. on top of that they’ll panic when so many people brush against them in the post working hour rush.

It wont take a genius to know by now that this article has nothing to do with a couple of harmless drinks but about the mind set and mentality of youngsters.

Not to say that I ain’t one myself.

I have friend from both side of the tracks and I like everyone of them.

In either case guess who I’d choose. Ooh I like Ice-Tea just fine, I even love it some times. But its just that standing beside the thela and drinking shikanji after a days works with my so inclined friends would win hands down any time.

So go on have a drink on me.

Cheers!

restless nights

Even when i know nobody reads this, unless they are forced too, i'd like to think that people do see this.

On 24th march i'd completed a task that i gave myself.

It all started with me using orkut too much, so i vowed not to use it for a month. the first week was the hardest i didnt know what to do with myself. When I passed the milestone i thought why not another month and so a whole year went by. now a days i dont even remember why i was hooked on it.

But what i know is that the same thing is happening on Facebook and i didnt like, atleast i wasnt in denial. so here i am with another vow to stay away from FB for forty days!

when i used to excess it about average 10 times a day. so its been five days and i got restless with the extra time that i had on my hands.

thats when i decided to write atleast one article per day about something that really matters to me.

i hope anyone who reads them finds an emotion they can share with me.

that makes it 35 articles till 4th may!

Blood and gore

Red blood red

was her favorite color

scream scared scream

was her favorite sound

she’d start at the

big toe’s nail,

pull it out with a plier

wait for it to feel the pain

and scream itself hoarse

then move to the other

all the while

the blood flowed

all those brittle bones

small ones in those

bleeding toes

big ones all over the body

206 of’em waiting

just for her to

smash’em to pulp

and this was just the beginning

the soul wished he’d

never been born

she opened him up

as if he was a bean bag

with a zipper

lots of zipper’s

from wrists to shoulders

from ankle to hips

the flesh parted

above the rib cage

just like the curtains

on a stage show

for her

the iron and salt

smell of blood drifted

up from the floor

making her dizzy

the sight of blood

a heady intoxication

the world spinning

as she looked into

the souls eyes

and plunged the knife

in his still beating heart

while I stood there waiting,

watching and wishing

I was her.

“ The first time he saw her, she lay sprawled on the floor, unconscious. Due to colic or food poisoning I don’t remember now but no one seemed to be doing anything. They had to take her to 3rd floor without a lift.
He did the first thing that came to his mind. Carried her upstairs, in spite of her gawking teachers!
That’s was when they both attended a youth hostel camp in Porbandar”
He’d sit by her side till she got better. They didn’t talk. He sat reading books. She talked away through her time with friends.
Then like a real polite lady, told him to visit her if ever he was in her city…..
and then forgot about him.

Some time in the same year she came home to find her frantic sister raving about some druggie barraging in their home. Her sister had opened the door to find a real scruffy looking bloke asking for her!

She found him sitting on the steps to the terrace, smoking away a cigarette.
Curly hair, big specks, faded jeans, frayed shirt and all.

And then she never forgot him!”

He went home. They each wrote the other letters. Lots and lots of letters.
She’s paint him pictures and he’d draw her pictures.

There was one time when neither her mother nor her sister could wake him up, he slept 36 hours non stop. They thought he had died. Both were gonna call the police. But all he said when he woke up was- “ I slept late because I was reading a book!”

He got admission in Saurashtra University for his PG to be near her.
She left her job to go live with him.

She thought was a south Indian because of his dark looks n tendency to write a single initial as surname, until he took her to meet his mother.

Nanuji says one day he even brought my dad a ticket home and told him to go.
Now if you ask him my dad says “ I must have been insane when I didn’t take that ticket!”
My mom always replies-“ I could give you one now!”
He’d just look sheepish and smile.

That’s my pitashri and maa for you in short.
This is for them and all the good times they gave us. And all the good time they had before us :p
Happy 22nd anniversary to both of you.

May I be as lucky as you guy’s.



with all my love even if seem an ungrateful child sometime.
where seem and sometime are the key words!

the door

"i left her door and thought as though

she would call me back, not let me go;

my heavy steps so paced as though

she would call me back not let me go;

the wind so billowed through as though

she would hold my garb, not let me go;

She neither stopped, nor wished i stay;

nor gave a call, nor held my way;

nor clenched my garb, nor had any say;

i kept on faring slowly forward

till i separated from her...."

yeah thats how i felt when he wouldn't give me a reasonable answer!

Belonging

17th feb
6.30

the day i realized that i most probably never will....

"I woke up to find my self
Sprawled on the wet grass
Facing the bright blue
Beauteous sky,
Without a cloud marring
Its pristine surface
A bird chirped near by
Bee’s hummed and red hued
Leaves floated above my head
It was picture perfect.

I’d always known that the
World revolved on the correct axis
As it was supposed to be!
But was I supposed to be
As I was?
I am always to be
A big bad black hole?
Always wanting to be filled
But never satisfied?
Was I supposed to always absorb
Everything that came my way
Even if it harmed me?
Was I supposed to always absorb
Without wanting ever to be
Able to fill something?
Wasn’t I supposed to
Belong somewhere?
Someplace?
To someone?
Was the world always
Going to go by me
Never touching me?
Was it right that I be black
And the world a bright colour?
I stopped short my musing’s
As a bee stung me.

AND

I woke up to find my self
Sprawled on the wet grass
Facing the bright blue
Beauteous sky,
Without a cloud marring
Its pristine surface
A bird chirped near by
Bee’s hummed and red hued
Leaves floated above my head
It was still picture perfect."

Salt in the tears.

29th jan

11:58 pm

she stood poised like

a porcelain statue

even the dark clouds

gathered to rage

as if somehow

conducting her emotions

the wind tore through the place

cold fingers slapping away

just as she started

to open her mouth

the dog at her feet wailed

a mournful sound

her dark eyes swam

in a pool full of tears,

blinding her for

few precious seconds.

as her long lash's

swept down

a fat droplet fell

on her cheek

thinking it was

starting to rain

her hand moved

to flick it away

maybe it was the

glint of light

maybe it was a memory

that made her stop and reconsider.

she faltered

licked her dry lips

brought her tongue out

and tasted the salt

clinging on her fingertips.

she remembered his voice

"when someone tears ur heart out,

they put tears in ur eye's instead!"

how the salt in her tears mocked him.

noone saw her sad smile

noone saw her sob out

noone saw her pain

just as no one saw

the light that followed her

still she stood poised

like a porcelain statue

about to shatter

above her beloved's grave.

FEAR

26th jan

10:50 pm

Most people fear

One thing or another

Most are scared of

Either dark or darker

Some even are

Afraid of water

How that can be

As it is light too.

You are born in it

(Although) you can die it too

It can be as placid as a calm lake

Or it can be the raging sea

Almost all are afraid

Of frightening things

Height, depth

Insects, speed!

But some love what

Most live in fear of.

And are scared out of

Their wits of “ normal” things!

Living, caring

Loving, life!

They are afraid

Of forging bonds

Some fear their

Own homes.

Some even live

Fearing themselves.

Most are scared that they

don’t have a mind.

Some are scared

of their own mind

Most fear that

Adrenalin jolt

Some live only

For that rush

Most are in

Quest of love

Some run

Away from it

I love the light, But

I chose to live in dark.

Always thought

I belonged there.

what does that

tell about me?

Am I like the psychopath

That calls it self God?