Ashes to Ashes

you are gone

i don't believe in heaven

its as if your spark was snuffed out

you don't exist in any corner of this

universe or another dimension

I cant even see you when i die

the moon has lost its brightness

i cant share new song with you no more

and once in a while some article i think you'd find funny

dancing is not the same anymore

my inheritance  has no heir

my genome has no identical

the house is a festering prison

you are gone and the days seem point less

in the nights I watch videos about happy moments

when i had all the time alone with you

you are gone and the world has lost its meaning

i cant imagine a future without you there

without your love i have no cornerstone left

and though the world keeps on revolving

I have no axis to revolve around anymore

sometimes I say your name in litany as if mere repetition might have the power to

resurrect you from the dead. what no one tells you is that when someone you love dies

you lose them twice , once to death, the second time to acceptance, and you don't take that long dark passage alone.  Grief takes every shuffling, unwilling step with you, like walking on cut glass, offering a seductive bouquet of memories that can only blossom south of sanity. I can not be mad at you, rant and curse  because you ceased to exist anymore.

I can stay here in perpetual grief, nose buried in the petals of past, where present is a blur, when time and the world try to drag me into the future kicking and screaming. But you'll never come crush me in your arms again, or annoy me bug-fuck out of my mind.

Spend enough time with ghosts, you become one, sometimes I think I've already started becoming invisible without you there to anchor me. I haven't cried, I don't know if or when I will.

Although when I finally do in some distant future I cannot imagine, I'll drown alive.

Absence & Desire

it begins with absence and desire

with longing and yearning

it begins with innocent touches

grows through sly glances

and ends up settling in your gut

defend not your heart against it

barricade the mind

futile as it may be 

against the tendrils of love....

Difference Between

She made me look back, twice, her smile was that bright and her laughter that joyful. She was by no means a conventional beauty; even then I don’t have enough words to describe her sheer radiance. Happiness and hope shined through every pore of her body.

I think we were in the same decade of our lives. Inside I was much older. At that instant I felt so many things it took me days to separate and understand and I am ashamed to say I wasn’t proud of most of them. Days later I wasn’t sure if I could justify being jealous, green with envy, mad as hell and sure enough to be happy that it wouldn’t last. I wondered what she had to be so happy about. 

It wasn’t one incidence that made me this grumpy and sour. Seeing across the veil, becoming disenchanted and disillusioned early in life may be. Living in this harsh world without the shield of hope, joy and the illusion covering up that truth is very difficult. I was bitter to no end. It was as if I was a black hole. Sadly the miracle of that smile, the joy and the hope registered with me as much as an LED does in a dark room.

A few years later I saw her around again, surprised that she was still the same. In the ensuing years I had grown up a bit and stopped having pity parties so I said hello, even mustering up a smile. She was a little shocked but polite enough to return and old man’s greeting. After that we met every day in the park. By this time in my life I could recognize a good thing when I saw one. A couple of hello’s daily and I would be sitting their soaking up her light. I found out that she was here for a month on a vacation.

That month I learned the biggest mistake made in my life. Eventually between smiles it came out that she hadn’t led a privileged life. Her’s was a sadder and more horrible tale than mine. The only difference between us being I distanced and alienated the people who loved me and ignored those who I loved, she didn’t. Unfortunately it was too little too late for me.

The psycho we all love to hate

Hello God are you there?

Its me gargi

Hey long time no see

I was just checking in, to see if you r still there

Haha you are hilarious, there? Where? I am everywhere, so where would I go.

You know you sometimes get carried away

Yeah well I am old, I am entitled

That’s funny coz you actually are

Hi five!

See ya

Laters….



That’s generally how my conversations with God go. And don’t worry I don’t have people taking in my head, well not really, I had me checked. Recently too!

I am not an atheist. I do believe in god. I do, but probably not in the way you do. Sometimes I even have frequent conversations with him. Not in a schizophrenic sort of way. Although He rarely listens. I have no illusions that He sits there waiting for our conversations. He is a very busy person, being omnipresent and all that.

Other times I think He is a psychopath who sits up there and laugh down at us while eating popcorn!

Most people think I don’t believe in God maybe because I never go, well almost never go to a temple voluntarily. I don’t pray to Him much. I don’t ask him for things. I don’t barter or straight out try to bribe Him about things I wish were different. I never shout at Him or curse Him for doing something to me. Everybody does that and I mean everybody.


Every once in a while , when I see people(deeply religious people), get all bent out of shape about one or the other rule according to their religion that someone has broken, I sit back and think about whether god actually exists or not?

If he does then does he laugh at our perception of him?

For me He is not a person or a supreme being. When I really think about what I believe in. I think of a universal energy source that exists well universally of course! I believe in the flow of energy. Would you believe me if I said I would give an arm n a leg to be able to live in avatar’s Pandora.
It’s always been arrogant of human to give everything humanoid characteristics. For instance take our depiction of Gods, or the way we try to make even animals seem to take on human characteristics. Whats up with that anyway? I believe most of you have read Dan Brown’s the lost symbol. If you have then he is a better writer than me and explains what I fell exactly as I feel about religion and spirituality. “The only difference between you and God is that you have forgotten you are divine!”

I believe God would rather I sat in a field of daisies and fill my senses with the awesome beauty He's created while I contemplate inner peace. He'd rather I actually live the Ten Commandments than sit in a stuffy church and listen to some guy tell me how to live them. He’d rather I actually try to live the life of a good person than chant verses that tell us how to be a good person in a temple. I would rather go out and do things than think about doing them and whether its right to do them or not.

I think there is a big difference between being religious and being spiritual.
Maybe you can be both, I don't know. I only know that a lot of people wear religion like a name tag, and they reduce it to bumper stickers. But spirituality is different. It comes from the heart and soul.


Let me ask you a question.
Have you seen the Ajanta and ellora paintings? Do you notice what they are wearing?
NOTHING! That’s what you notice. It’s the same for most of the old temples they weren’t ashamed of their bodies and had no problem wearing almost nothing.
But the so called religious now a days think we should cover up what we are born with, and fear censure for what we really are. Whats the big deal in wearing sleeveless shirts and shorts, if we weren’t supposed to show them wouldn’t we have fur on those parts?

Anyway what’s with worshiping Rama? He is a class A wimp! Whats with listening to a “dhobhi” and exiling your own wife. Talk about trust issues, did all that fun fare about rescuing her was just to show people how great he was? The ass! Poor Sita, all the time she spent exalting Rama virtues it would have been better if she had done something for herself , gotten out of the mess and gone on her own merry way. How can people stand to worship such a hypocrite?

Another point I wanna make specially for people who think love marriage is something to be ashamed about and is not part of our religion should remember that the Radha-Krishna they love to worship so much weren’t husband and wife, she was his Girlfriend. Dude how awesome is my religion that it promotes having a girlfriend. I once asked my grandmother if Krishna can have a girlfriend why cant I have a boyfriend and she being who she is replied “ Beta! Ofcourse you can, don’t let people dictate what you do just for the fear of acceptance. They are gods because they follow there own path.”

I intend to follow mine, if people can accept it that’s fine if not than one fine day you’ll be the ones following me. When I don’t ask the so called god for thing (not for me not for anybody) I get what I deserve because I don’t waste my time sitting on my ass waiting for him to deliver. I work without worrying for the results, may be that’s why I get such good ones.

I mean how can anyone one in there right mind even think of asking god for anything, if you believe he know everything and is all powerful then how can you doubt that he doesn’t know whats right for you and give you exactly what you deserve…. That’s stupid.

On the bright note that most of the people are stupid, I gotta go.

what's sunlight gotta do with it?

Do you know…

When your eyes are closed and

You can still see the sun through your eyes?

Feel the wavy warmth of the winter sun?

While the weather is harsh and uncompromising

If you stand still long enough

Sunlight still parts the cold air

To come brush its golden tendrils on your cheeks

And you feel cocooned in decadent bliss

Do you know what that feels like?

Soft! Soft is what it is.

For me that’s what love feels like

Not the blinding sunlight of summer

Its too hot too fast too harsh

And it leaves you with skin burns

Love is supposed to be a slow low burn

It’s a constant, a promise

a lifeline, a lifetime

its not exclusive, not selfish, not possessive!

Who am I kidding? If it weren’t all three of those a little

It wouldn’t be love at all.

You and Me

I had a dream
I had a dream
About you, you know
brisk dawn chill
seeped to my bone
growing goosebumps on the skin
peach was the sky tinged
patches of white
like icing on a cake
i floated above the
silver drops on green grass
past the fountain
past the rose garden
past the past
and like i vision
you appeared
like magick
sitting between the roots
of my favourite oak tree
back to the bark
black silky hair moving in sync with
the rustling leaves
pencil tucked behind an ear
Yeats in your hand
you were gazing out
into the mirror of lake
in the dream
my dream, you laughed
as bare feet touched cold ground
then the colours blur
my head on your lap
with leg stretched in jeans blue
hands ruffling through my hair
bits of poetry flowing in my ears
i drift off to sleep
i drift of to reality
i had a dream...
i had a dream
about us, you know

untitled

its been too long
now that i've penned down somthing i dont know y i waited this long
its just too bad that i can only write in times of great emotion out bursts

it had been a wierd day..... by the night came i was out of sort

so i played a couple of favourite song that i cry to

and here i am.... i know this one sucks but atleast its a start.

There was a balmy breeze flowing through my feet silky white camisole fluttered in tune with my hair

i bent and tried to look below me
the lights were blurry winking in and out of site
like huge balls of golden explosions
the vertigo should have sent my stomach into frenzy
instead my fingers were wet from all the tears
running down my cheeks
i imagined all the forever’s we would have had
and all the could have been’s
but no one asked me to wait
another gut wrenching sob escaped my lips
i stared straight ahead above the city lights
beyond the thinkable limit
to the indistinguishable horizon
and saw a soothing sea of empty blackness
the pressure lifted off
tears dried and my heart slowed to a stop
in great expectation I took a step forward
turned back to look at the bleeding sky
i closed my eyes as the air rushed by me
just before the night swallowed me whole

i felt immensely relieved.